Do older children, such as teens, have more “problems” than younger children?

All children, whether they are children who were born to you, children who are in foster care, or children who have been adopted, will present multiple parenting challenges throughout the various stages of development. Instead of saying older children are more problematic, it’s better to say that older children present different challenges than younger children, depending on their stage of development.

Many foster and adoptive parents who are raising tweens and teens are grateful their world is not revolving around feeding schedules, potty training, diaper changes, or the infamous terrible twos. However, those same parents may be experiencing the rebellion, back talk, or general moodiness typical to all teenagers at times. There is no such thing as a wholly ideal and challenge-free child. With the proper tools, support network, and, most of all, patience, there are very few challenges that parents can’t overcome.

Will older children become attached to me?

Attachment is a word often used when caring for a child in out-of-home care. A common misconception among potential adoptive and foster parents is that young children will not have attachment issues and that teens and older children will not be fully capable of forming loving and trusting relationships with caregivers. However, even a child less than a year old may have experienced trauma that could affect their ability to form secure attachments as they develop. In reality, all children want to form attachments with caring adults and there are many approaches that parents can use to promote healthy attachment.

While expecting a child to love and bond with you from day one is undoubtedly unrealistic, having a good understanding of a child’s trauma history and a consistent and thoughtful parenting approach will help a child build and strengthen attachments over time, even if they are approaching or into their teenage years.

If I adopt an older child, will I miss out on all of the important developmental milestones?

While you will have missed the joyous moments when a child begins walking and talking, you can still experience many important milestones with a teen or tween. Take a moment to think back on your childhood. Do you remember speaking your first words or taking your first steps? Probably not.

But chances are you do remember who stood up and cheered at your high school graduation, who pinned on your corsage at prom, who taught you how to drive and buy your first car, who helped you move into your college dorm or first apartment— the person or people who stood by you as you found out what it means to be an adult and a fully independent person. If you become an adoptive parent, you can become that person for a teen. You can become the caring adult who helps a young person find out who they really are and the person who helps them realize their full potential.

Isn’t birth order important? I have younger children at home, and I am worried about how adopting a teen will affect their development.

Bringing a new child of any age into the family will likely disrupt your family’s established routines and roles. If you are considering adopting a child, it will be important to prepare the children in your home for the addition of a new member of the family. With thoughtful transition planning and continued conversation as a family, you can anticipate many of the potential adjustment issues and work to solve them together.

Do teens and older children actually want to be adopted?

For teens in foster care who may have experienced many homes and many different families, the concept of a permanent family might seem foreign to them. After all, adult caregivers may have been inconsistent and constantly changing for many of these teens. For any child of any age, there is always a period of adjustment when placed in a new home.

However, the vast majority of teens in out-of-home care are longing for a family that can provide a warm home base. Each teen is different; some teens will adjust and adapt quickly, and others may require time to transition and open up. While a teen may not choose to call you “Mom” or “Dad,” having a family to call their own as they take those first steps into adulthood likely means the world to them.