Final Preparations: Getting Yourself & Your Child Ready for Adoption Finalization
Many parents eagerly await their child’s adoption day for months or even years. While you tend to all the details and logistics for the big day, you may want to spend some time getting yourself and your child ready for all the emotions that might arise. No matter the specifics of your adoption journey, this tip sheet will help you understand what to expect and how to prepare as a family for this monumental occasion.
Having the Talk: What Adoption Means
The first step in preparing children for adoption is talking to them about what adoption means for them. Even if the child has been a part of your family for an extended period, an adoption finalization is still a transition for that child with lifelong implications. You may need to help younger children, in particular, understand what adoption is and why it happens in a way that does not vilify birth parents or give the child responsibility for removal from the family of origin. This will most likely involve answering tough questions or clarifying events the child has experienced. It’s important to do so honestly, openly, and positively.
For example, if there were addiction or mental health issues that brought the child into care, you can speak about those topics in a way that separates the illness from the character of the person. You might explain that the illness created circumstances that prevented the parent or caregiver from providing the deserved nurturing care—and offer reassurance that you can provide that care.
Recognize that this is not a “one-and-done” conversation. These discussions may be ongoing throughout your child’s life. We recommend that you initiate them to establish a safe environment for your child to express their emotions around this topic.
Expressing Feelings about Finalization
It is also important to help your child express how they feel about adoption finalization and let them know that their feelings are normal and valid, whatever they may be. Know that various emotions and feelings may surface—and try not to take any of it personally. For your child, adoption may feel like a betrayal of their birth family or trigger anxiety about the well-being of parents or siblings. Look for activities that allow your child to express their fears, other strong emotions, or misconceptions about adoption in a non-threatening way. This also allows you to provide reassurance and validation during grief and loss. Activities may include role-playing the adoption using stuffed animals or reading adoption-themed children’s books. (See a list of recommendations at the end of this tip sheet.)
It’s important to remember that adoption is a loss for your child, and they will experience the stages of grief. It’s also good to remember that sometimes loss is an experience children cannot verbalize. Be on the lookout for behaviors that may indicate your child is grieving. These may not resemble adult grieving behaviors. For example, your child may be angry, act out, or fight to gain control of every aspect of their world. Your child may need professional help to heal from this profound loss.
For the older child, even if they have expressed a desire to be adopted, finalization still means great loss. While you may view finalization as an outcome, for your child, it is a lifelong process of trying to understand past experiences, developing an identity as an adopted person, and reframing familial relationships. It’s vitally important that you validate your child’s feelings, provide comfort, offer reassurance, and stay engaged with any services your child needs. While there may be a temptation to move forward with a “normal” life post-adoption and discontinue services, your child may need help then, more than ever, in coping with their loss.
Maintaining Connections
Perhaps one of the most powerful things you can do to prepare a child for adoption finalization is to maintain good relationships with significant people in the child’s life—whether that means birth parents, siblings, extended family, or close friends—and provide reassurance that those relationships will continue. Again, you may worry that maintaining contact with biological family or even past foster parents will be reminders of a painful time in the child’s life and prolong the healing process. Just the opposite is true. Maintaining contact with significant people in the child’s life will provide comfort, reassurance, and aid in healing, as long as relationships remain healthy.
Name Change
Another important consideration in preparation for adoption is whether or not the child’s name will change at finalization. Every child, and adoptive parent for that matter, may have widely differing views about a name change. For some children and youth, changing a first and/or last name can signal a sense of permanence and security. For others—even children excited about the adoption process— a name change may be difficult for various reasons. For example, a child’s name is often one of the few remaining links to their biological family, and a name change may evoke feelings of disconnection or disloyalty. Others may worry that a name change will be something they will need to explain at school or in other situations where they don’t want others to know about their adoption. Because of this, the child must be involved in this decision in a developmentally appropriate way.
Getting Ready for Adoption Day
Understanding what will happen on the day of adoption finalization is important for parents and children.
Children may associate a judge and/or courthouse with punishment or previous traumatic experiences, so it is essential to have a conversation about the meaning of adoption finalization. Older children in foster care may recall other court hearings, so differentiate between those hearings and the adoption finalization. You may want to let your child know that the judge may ask them some questions, such as, “How old are you?” or “How do you feel about being adopted?” Knowing what to expect can take much of the anxiety out of the day.
Many adoptive parents have shared that they weren’t prepared for all the emotions they felt on adoption day. One family shared, “We waited four long years for my son’s adoption day. I was certain it would be the happiest day of my life to finally be able to breathe, knowing he would never have to worry about being moved again. When the hearing ended, an indescribable sorrow came over me. In the midst of the celebration, I was unexpectedly struck by the realization that although this was a joyous occasion for our family, that joy came with great loss for not only my son but his birth family as well. The finalization ended any hopes my son had of ever returning to his birth family.”
Just as it is normal for children to have a mix of conflicting emotions on adoption day, adoptive parents may find themselves with a mix of emotions as well. It’s not uncommon for some families to schedule any celebrations a few days after the actual adoption hearing date to allow for time to process all the emotions.
As you celebrate, it can also be meaningful to hold space for the birth family — even quietly and privately. Adoption day is a moment of profound gain for your family, and it is simultaneously a profound loss for others. Some adoptive families choose to acknowledge the birth family in a small way on this day — through a letter, a moment of reflection, or simply by speaking kindly about them with their child. There is no single right way to do this, but many families find that honoring the day’s complexity deepens their understanding of their child’s story.
What to Expect at the Finalization Hearing
Adoption finalization takes place in a courthouse and provides adoptive parent(s) with permanent, legal custody of a child. While every situation is different, most adoption finalization hearings are brief (about five to ten minutes) and typically involve the adoptive parent(s), the child who is to be adopted, the child’s social worker, an attorney or guardian ad litem, the judge, and possibly other professionals. Family and friends are usually allowed in the courtroom as well. They can be a great help in providing emotional support and documenting the day with photos or videos of the hearing. During an adoption finalization hearing, the judge may ask questions such as, “Why do you want to adopt?” or “Are you financially capable of caring for this child?” These questions are meant to ensure that your home is a stable and loving place for the child and that you understand that adoption is a lifelong commitment. In addition to the formal legal proceedings, many judges will also take a photo with your family or let your child sit in their chair and bang the gavel; however, you may need to ask beforehand if any of these options are possible. These extra special touches can make an already exciting day even more memorable.
At the finalization hearing, you will receive an adoption decree. This document signifies that the adoption is final, ensures that all former parents’ rights are terminated, and decrees that the adoptive parents assume legal responsibility for the child. You will also be sent a new birth certificate for your child, which has the adoptive parent(s) listed as the “natural parents.”
Life after Finalization
No matter how your family views adoption day or chooses to celebrate it, we congratulate you on choosing adoption to build your family.
Before the celebration winds down, there are a few practical matters worth tending to. Following finalization, you will want to request certified copies of the adoption decree for your records — you may need them when applying for updated identification documents. Your child will receive a new birth certificate listing you as the parent(s), which typically arrives by mail within a few weeks. You will also want to update your child’s Social Security card to reflect any name change; this can be done through the Social Security Administration using the adoption decree and new birth certificate. If your child’s name has changed, you may also need to update school records, medical records, insurance information, and other documents over time. It may feel like a lot of paperwork — but each update is one more step toward your child’s new chapter.
Adoption is a lifelong journey, and adoption finalization does not signal the end of this journey — it is just the beginning. Seek out other adoptive families and post-adoption resources. These resources may include training events specific to adoptive families, get-togethers with other adoptive families, newsletters with up-to-date adoption stories and information, access to books and other resources about parenting an adopted child or a child with special needs, and/or referral to local resources (including support groups, adoption-competent therapists, etc.). We encourage you to develop relationships with other adoptive families and reach out to the Wisconsin Family Connections Center if you need support.
